i don't mean to be so crabby and upset at every post i write.
i want to post about happy things too.
but for that to happen,happy things have to come.
but my life is nothing happy.
far from happy.
and bad things seem to attract bad things.
when something bad happens,more will follow.

i have lost 3 nights of sleep.
and i'm extremely tired now,
but i know that if i don't vent now,
i'll probably suffer a stroke or heart attack in my sleep.
and never wake up.
not that i want to,
i sometimes believe that it's my time to go up.
but i know it's not,
so no worries,
or rather for some,
unfortunately,
i'm not going up anytime soon.
God won't allow me in either.
i haven't suffered enough.

i'm over being bitter.
i think i made that quite clear in an earlier post.
i don't want to be bitter,
and i know how not to.
but i can't help feeling totally disregarded and invisible.
tomorrow i predict will be worse.

i am 'proud' to say that I, ME, have made a total cuckold out of MYSELF again.by agreeing to be responsible for things i am not capable of.

i want to split myself up too.
but i know that i can't.
and even if i can,
no one will even notice me.
for i am just one insignificant person.
i didn't mean to pile up my schedule again,
but i just had to.i don't have a choice.

how does it feel to treasure something more than others?
how does it feel to treasure someone more than how much the other treasures you?
how does it feel to be expected by others to do something...and then fails?
how does it feel to be just a substitute till something better comes along?
how does it feel when your efforts are just taken for granted?
how does it feel to be left behind?
how does it feel to be not appreciated?

i sometimes wish i had a cold heart.that way i won't be such a busybody.and poke in places i should have just left alone.or interfere in affairs i should just not step into.or care so much that i only make myself upset and disappointed

i want to be indifferent,
maybe then i'll have time for myself,
and start to appreciate myself better.

but that won't happen,
cause i'm just plain stupid.
unless someone or something hurts me really bad.
or rather some oneS or some thingS.

i am halfway towards having no heart at all now.
so why do i still feel the hurt and the pain?

Searching for inner peace

11:21 AM
Up, up, and away!